Dear Man in the White Volkswagen,

I am sure you and I are both aware that the law prohibiting the use of handheld devices while driving was created largely in response to the prevalence of cellular phone use (and the accompanying habit of texting) by drivers.  You and I are both aware, also, that you were not speaking on a cellular phone, nor were you texting or using the internet, when I passed you on the highway.

I do believe, however, that the spirit of the law -- aiming to make drivers less distracted and therefore safer -- would extend to the handheld devices that you were making rather extensive use of while you drove:  a steno pad and a pen.  Sure, you may have been kicking it old-school, but writing a rather extensive memo to yourself (or, perhaps to someone else) would likely fall under the category of distracted driving nonetheless.

Perhaps you might consider paying a bit more attention to the road and either invest in a voice recorder or write your novel in the safety of your home.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Strung-Out Woman at the Corner Store,

Firstly, let me state the obvious.  Drugs are bad.  Get off them for your own sake and for the sake of those around you.

Now onto the specifics of this evening.  I understand that you might be frustrated that the fireworks you bought at the corner store weren't all you'd hoped they'd be, but that's really not the store's fault.  I mean, I'm not sure that the finest fireworks are to be found in the same place that sells supposed aphrodisiacs from the counter anyway, but given that it appeared to me that you tried to light them while they were still in the box doesn't really help, either.  The guy at the counter is correct: they don't make them and they're not exactly a returnable item.  That's pretty clear.

Still, leaving the store and returning several times simply to swear and threaten to blow him up aren't really the best ways to deal with your frustration.  Besides, if you want to blow him up, you're likely working with a level of logic right now that would prompt you to try and buy explosive fireworks to do the deed at the store you're aiming to blow up.

Perhaps it's time for you to go home, sleep off this trip you're on, and maybe things will look less critical in the morning.

I hope you had a good Canada Day yesterday.

Sincerely, Me

Dear Tim Hortons Cashier,

Isn't it marvellous how technology has changed our lives? To think that just a few decades ago, the creators of Star Trek envisioned a future of wireless communicators and now we've utterly surpassed it ahead of schedule with our smartphones that not only allow us to talk, but text, video call, and surf the internet! We don't even need to walk around with cash bills or coins, or worse yet, paper gift certificates! Now we have Tim Cards to use exclusively at your establishment! It's so quick and convenient, wouldn't you agree?

Of course it is; however, on several occasions now, I've had the following experience:

*Hand card over to you*

*Watch you swipe it down the card-reading side of the point of sale machine*

*Watch you swipe it again*

*Watch you swipe it a third time*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

(Now this is my favourite part!)

*Watch you swipe it instead in the little hand-held part of your point of sale machine.*

*Take the card back along with the tea I purchased*

As a special treat, one time you even said, "I thought they fixed that yesterday," indicating that you are aware that the first card-reading thing you're trying doesn't work properly.

Now call me crazy, but it seems to me that it would no longer take eight to twelve swipes in the non-functioning portion of your machine before you would try the more reliable hand-held card reader instead. But perhaps I simply am not aware of the bigger picture here.

Perhaps you can win a prize if you get the card to work in the first reader.

Perhaps the second reader is extremely delicate and liable to fall apart at the slightest touch.

Perhaps you are trying to start a fire with the friction created by frequent and brisk swipes of the card card on the first reader.

In the future, perhaps you could speed things along just a little by moving on to the tried-and-true hand-held reader.

After all, I admire persistence, but perhaps I enjoy logic just a little bit more.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Dempsters,

I would love for you to make a slight modification to your English muffin package labelling.

Would you please clearly label your packages with either "Cut down the centre" or with "Cut on a listing boat by a monkey with a lazy eye and a drinking problem"? It would make it much easier for me to choose the slicing style I prefer. You see, as it now stands, every bag of English muffins is a crap shoot. It can be quite annoying to open a package, remove a muffin for toasting and then struggle to pry it apart without ripping it to shreds in the process and even then to end up with one huge chunk and a second side which roughly amounts to a bready poker chip.

Clarity would make all the difference.

Of course, alternatively, you could simply cut them all down the centre and fire that monkey.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Dear\Sincerely,

Whoops! What made me think I'd be able to sustain this consistently? I'll try to do better.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Fox Home Video,

I watched X-Men: First Class recently and enjoyed the movie. I just thought I'd let you know right from the start that I have no concerns about the film.

My confusion lies with some of your DVD bonus content.

The Anti-Smoking PSA is a little odd. More accurately, your inclusion of the Anti-Smoking PSA is a little odd. I've never noticed one of those on a DVD before and find it odd that it doesn't automatically play among previews before one lands on the main menu. I suppose people might, now and then, think to themselves, "You know, I'd like to be reminded of why I shouldn't smoke," and select this feature to meet that need, but I'm guessing more often than not it's not really high on the list of elective activities that viewers think of following an evening of movie-watching.

Even more disorienting for me was the inclusion of a lovely instructional video called Digital Copy "How To". In this special feature, a friendly man in a tie takes us step-by-step through the process of retrieving a digital copy of the movie for use on one's computer or portable device. Very handy information for those who are a little reluctant with technology, to be certain.

But you see, this DVD didn't come with a digital copy.

It seems like you're just messing with people, telling them what they could do if only they'd bought another movie. Odd.

Nonetheless, the movie was enjoyable.

Sincerely, Me

Dear Dear/Sincerely,

Sorry I've been away for a while. Life's been crazy. I'll do my best to keep in touch.

Sincerely,

Me