Dear Fox Home Video,

I watched X-Men: First Class recently and enjoyed the movie. I just thought I'd let you know right from the start that I have no concerns about the film.

My confusion lies with some of your DVD bonus content.

The Anti-Smoking PSA is a little odd. More accurately, your inclusion of the Anti-Smoking PSA is a little odd. I've never noticed one of those on a DVD before and find it odd that it doesn't automatically play among previews before one lands on the main menu. I suppose people might, now and then, think to themselves, "You know, I'd like to be reminded of why I shouldn't smoke," and select this feature to meet that need, but I'm guessing more often than not it's not really high on the list of elective activities that viewers think of following an evening of movie-watching.

Even more disorienting for me was the inclusion of a lovely instructional video called Digital Copy "How To". In this special feature, a friendly man in a tie takes us step-by-step through the process of retrieving a digital copy of the movie for use on one's computer or portable device. Very handy information for those who are a little reluctant with technology, to be certain.

But you see, this DVD didn't come with a digital copy.

It seems like you're just messing with people, telling them what they could do if only they'd bought another movie. Odd.

Nonetheless, the movie was enjoyable.

Sincerely, Me

Dear Dear/Sincerely,

Sorry I've been away for a while. Life's been crazy. I'll do my best to keep in touch.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear McDonald's,

We need to talk.

You probably noticed that I started with "Dear McDonald's" and not "Dear McCafe". You see, much as I support your choice to expand your hot beverages menu -- and I've heard lots of good things about your coffee even though I don't drink it myself -- I can't get onboard with you welcoming me at the drive through with "Welcome to McCafe".

This is, as far as I can tell, the equivalent of entering a restaurant and being greeted with "Welcome to the Dessert Menu".

If you decide to change your actual restaurant name to McCafe, I will certainly think that's a bad idea but would readily accept being welcomed to McCafe, but until you make such a move, please call your business by its name.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Technology,

Let's deal with the elephant in the room right now. We both know we have not been getting along. Five hours with customer support last month kind of makes that fact unavoidable.

But I think we've finally put that all behind us, haven't we? Sure, it meant that I had to essentially abandon my work laptop which has become a glorified paperweight that I have to plug in now and then to grab files that are on it. (And really, it's not that windy in here, anyway.)

The migration onto another iPad seems to have eliminated the crazy death threats about erasing my data.

Even my phone seems to be behaving as of late.

So, technology, let's just put the past behind us and move on.

Can we just be friends again?

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Kinect for X-Box,

Thank you for starting a second round of 'You are the Controller' ads. It's great to be reminded of all of the ways to be active while still in front of a screen.

I especially am excited by the prospects of Kinect Sports Season Two. As your latest commercial points out, Kinect will bring us our favourite sports the way they were meant to be played.

I just need you to clear up a point of confusion. I'm just at a loss to figure out what comes in the box. You see, unless I'm mistaken, the way skiing was meant to be played involved things like skis and ... well ... snow. Baseball involved bats, balls, gloves, and a whole bunch of people who just won't fit in my living room. Toss in tennis, football, golf, and darts (no offense, darters, but is darts a sport? I thought it was a game.) I just don't see how you can get everything I would need to play all of these games "the way they were meant to be played".

So how does that work? Do I pick up the disk at Costco and then you send a shipping container to my home with everything else? Can I set up the X-Box (with Kinect) out on a football field? Will it recognize my whole football team in uniforms and pads? I just want to be sure we get it right.

Of course, it's possible, of course, that I've misunderstood the whole concept. Is it possible that the inventors of these sports actually intended us to stand in our living rooms with spectators on the couch and mime the actions? Were they just waiting patiently for technological advances to catch up with their visions? If so, thank goodness the time has come for their dreams to come to fruition!

Thank you, and I eagerly await clarification on the above issues before I rush out to buy an X-Box.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Fisher-Price,

Today I saw a commercial for your new Little People Zoo Talkers. How delightful to see children laughing, playing, and learning about animal names and sounds, thanks to your electronic toy. Imagine how thrilling to learn while putting the special Zoo Talker animals on the red button!

In the olden days, back when I was a youngster, we didn't have the benefit of educational toys such as this. It borders on neglect, in retrospect. However did we survive and not grow up idiots?

You see, back in the day, we had to learn our animal names and sounds by talking with our parents. Seriously! They would have to get down off the couch and play with us! If we had animal figures or toys, we'd play around and our families would say things like, "Here comes the lion! Rawr! What does a lion say? 'Rawr!'" And we'd sit and giggle and roar at one another. Then we'd bark and meow and cluck and growl and make monkey noises. Sometimes we'd even have to read books -- books printed on PAPER -- with our parents or other grown-ups and we'd do the same sorts of things, pointing at pictures and learning their names and sounds. And let me make one thing perfectly clear: when we tweeted, no website was involved. Can you believe it? It's CRAZY!

Thank goodness you've created this marvelous toy so that little kids can learn about animals without any of that pesky human interaction. Until they're ready to learn from a screen like regular kids, this is certainly the next best thing. And goodness knows parents have better things to do than play, talk, and teach their kids.

Thank you for continuing to make the world a safer, richer, and more meaningfully plastic place for families.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Guy Who Upended His Bike in Front of Me,

First off, let me say that I was very sorry to see you go tipping over your handlebars directly in front of me. I was glad to see you get up, largely unharmed and healthy enough to yell and swear at the driver who passed around the corner in front of you and thereby causing you to brake and fall.

But here's the other side of things: you really don't have much right to be mad at the driver.

You see, you were angry because he cut you off by turning in your path. That wouldn't really have happened if you were cycling on the right-hand side of the road. If you had been, his left-hand turn wouldn't have affected you at all.

Did you notice, by the way, that I said "cycling" and not "bike riding"? That's because I think that after you're twelve or so, you're no longer a bike rider, but a cyclist. You know, like a vehicle. And come on, you were about forty. Riding on the sidewalk is really no longer appropriate, is it? And riding on the left-hand sidewalk is extra wrong, I suppose, especially if you cross at the pedestrian crossing without stopping for the little hand.

That's right. In addition to riding on the sidewalk and on the left-hand side, in your anger you neglected to acknowledge that the driver had an advanced left-turn light, giving him the right of way. Even if you'd been a sidewalk-walking pedestrian, you would have to wait for the full green to allow you crossing rights.

So, to recap, here's you: riding your bike on a sidewalk, crossing against the light across the left-hand side of the road. Here's the other guy: making a legal left-hand turn in his car. Back to you: standing in the middle of the intersection yelling and screaming profanity. Back to him: driving down the road half a block away. One more time to you: looking like an idiot.

Sincerely,

Me