Dear Old Navy,

I know you've somehow managed to build yourself as a fresh, breezy brand full of graphic tees, low-cost denim, and rollicking young adults with cute children, but I have a request.

Please, please, please stop purchasing the rights to popular songs from days gone by in order to rewrite the lyrics for your commercials. Given that you've now abandoned any pretense of using or adapting the original lyrics in any form, and now simply replace them wholesale with words about breezy blouses and such, I don't even understand what the point of using the songs is at all. I'm quite sure that neither the Shondells nor Tiffany would understand how this latest incarnation of I Think We're Alone Now makes any sense whatsoever.

As for me, this commercial not only irritates me but it sort of makes me throw up just a little in my mouth. Since it's unlikely you wish your brand to be associated with a sour burn in the back of one's throat, I recommend that you cease and desist from this current line of lyrical butchery.

Sincerely,

Me

P.S. Is the line "with or without jeans is what it's all about" intended to promote pantsless living?

Dear TD Canada Trust,

You know what would have been nice? It would have been very nice if you had informed me that I had a credit card option which reduced my interest rate by more than 10% at some point in the past several years. I know you figured that you already had me on a credit card and were more than happy to keep taking ridiculous amounts of money in the form of interest, but it still might have been a kind gesture to at least drop me a line and, in doing so, send the message that you actually care about me, the client. I'd even be happy if it was simply an empty gesture and if you didn't really care about me, the client, at all. Sometimes faking it is fine.

I know, I know. You don't want to get too attached. It's just that I opened an account with TD about 30 years ago and I thought you might still love me. When you merged with Canada Trust, bringing a step-bank into the relationship, you reassured me that it didn't mean you'd love me any less. You still need to make time for me. I guess I just need reassurance now and then.

Now, I fully understand that I have to call back during business hours to deal with your inflated balance-protection rates that are, incidentally, significantly higher for my reasonably small credit card balance than they are for my mortgage, but perhaps in the future, we could just be a little more open with one another. Perhaps you are just a bit miffed that my mortgage is with another bank, but I never hid that relationship from you. You said you were fine with me seeing other banks.

Tell you what: if you promise not to secretly smirk at my paying more than I really need pay, I will do my best to voice my concerns more quickly so they don't degrade into festering resentment.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Zooey Deschanel,

I would invite you and your enormous eyes to the barbecue any time. You would even be welcome to sing. Whether you sang a little number as part of your duo She & Him or as your character Jess from New Girl, I would find it highly entertaining and enjoyable. (Besides, it's quite possible that I've improvised the occasional theme song, too.)

Feel free to drop by any time you happen to be in my sketchy, sketchy neighbourhood.

Sincerely,

Me