Dear Tim Hortons Cashier,

Isn't it marvellous how technology has changed our lives? To think that just a few decades ago, the creators of Star Trek envisioned a future of wireless communicators and now we've utterly surpassed it ahead of schedule with our smartphones that not only allow us to talk, but text, video call, and surf the internet! We don't even need to walk around with cash bills or coins, or worse yet, paper gift certificates! Now we have Tim Cards to use exclusively at your establishment! It's so quick and convenient, wouldn't you agree?

Of course it is; however, on several occasions now, I've had the following experience:

*Hand card over to you*

*Watch you swipe it down the card-reading side of the point of sale machine*

*Watch you swipe it again*

*Watch you swipe it a third time*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

*And again*

(Now this is my favourite part!)

*Watch you swipe it instead in the little hand-held part of your point of sale machine.*

*Take the card back along with the tea I purchased*

As a special treat, one time you even said, "I thought they fixed that yesterday," indicating that you are aware that the first card-reading thing you're trying doesn't work properly.

Now call me crazy, but it seems to me that it would no longer take eight to twelve swipes in the non-functioning portion of your machine before you would try the more reliable hand-held card reader instead. But perhaps I simply am not aware of the bigger picture here.

Perhaps you can win a prize if you get the card to work in the first reader.

Perhaps the second reader is extremely delicate and liable to fall apart at the slightest touch.

Perhaps you are trying to start a fire with the friction created by frequent and brisk swipes of the card card on the first reader.

In the future, perhaps you could speed things along just a little by moving on to the tried-and-true hand-held reader.

After all, I admire persistence, but perhaps I enjoy logic just a little bit more.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Dempsters,

I would love for you to make a slight modification to your English muffin package labelling.

Would you please clearly label your packages with either "Cut down the centre" or with "Cut on a listing boat by a monkey with a lazy eye and a drinking problem"? It would make it much easier for me to choose the slicing style I prefer. You see, as it now stands, every bag of English muffins is a crap shoot. It can be quite annoying to open a package, remove a muffin for toasting and then struggle to pry it apart without ripping it to shreds in the process and even then to end up with one huge chunk and a second side which roughly amounts to a bready poker chip.

Clarity would make all the difference.

Of course, alternatively, you could simply cut them all down the centre and fire that monkey.

Sincerely,

Me

Dear Dear\Sincerely,

Whoops! What made me think I'd be able to sustain this consistently? I'll try to do better.

Sincerely,

Me