Thank you for starting a second round of 'You are the Controller' ads. It's great to be reminded of all of the ways to be active while still in front of a screen.
I especially am excited by the prospects of Kinect Sports Season Two. As your latest commercial points out, Kinect will bring us our favourite sports the way they were meant to be played.
I just need you to clear up a point of confusion. I'm just at a loss to figure out what comes in the box. You see, unless I'm mistaken, the way skiing was meant to be played involved things like skis and ... well ... snow. Baseball involved bats, balls, gloves, and a whole bunch of people who just won't fit in my living room. Toss in tennis, football, golf, and darts (no offense, darters, but is darts a sport? I thought it was a game.) I just don't see how you can get everything I would need to play all of these games "the way they were meant to be played".
So how does that work? Do I pick up the disk at Costco and then you send a shipping container to my home with everything else? Can I set up the X-Box (with Kinect) out on a football field? Will it recognize my whole football team in uniforms and pads? I just want to be sure we get it right.
Of course, it's possible, of course, that I've misunderstood the whole concept. Is it possible that the inventors of these sports actually intended us to stand in our living rooms with spectators on the couch and mime the actions? Were they just waiting patiently for technological advances to catch up with their visions? If so, thank goodness the time has come for their dreams to come to fruition!
Thank you, and I eagerly await clarification on the above issues before I rush out to buy an X-Box.
Sincerely,
Me
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Dear Fisher-Price,
Today I saw a commercial for your new Little People Zoo Talkers. How delightful to see children laughing, playing, and learning about animal names and sounds, thanks to your electronic toy. Imagine how thrilling to learn while putting the special Zoo Talker animals on the red button!
In the olden days, back when I was a youngster, we didn't have the benefit of educational toys such as this. It borders on neglect, in retrospect. However did we survive and not grow up idiots?
You see, back in the day, we had to learn our animal names and sounds by talking with our parents. Seriously! They would have to get down off the couch and play with us! If we had animal figures or toys, we'd play around and our families would say things like, "Here comes the lion! Rawr! What does a lion say? 'Rawr!'" And we'd sit and giggle and roar at one another. Then we'd bark and meow and cluck and growl and make monkey noises. Sometimes we'd even have to read books -- books printed on PAPER -- with our parents or other grown-ups and we'd do the same sorts of things, pointing at pictures and learning their names and sounds. And let me make one thing perfectly clear: when we tweeted, no website was involved. Can you believe it? It's CRAZY!
Thank goodness you've created this marvelous toy so that little kids can learn about animals without any of that pesky human interaction. Until they're ready to learn from a screen like regular kids, this is certainly the next best thing. And goodness knows parents have better things to do than play, talk, and teach their kids.
Thank you for continuing to make the world a safer, richer, and more meaningfully plastic place for families.
Sincerely,
Me
In the olden days, back when I was a youngster, we didn't have the benefit of educational toys such as this. It borders on neglect, in retrospect. However did we survive and not grow up idiots?
You see, back in the day, we had to learn our animal names and sounds by talking with our parents. Seriously! They would have to get down off the couch and play with us! If we had animal figures or toys, we'd play around and our families would say things like, "Here comes the lion! Rawr! What does a lion say? 'Rawr!'" And we'd sit and giggle and roar at one another. Then we'd bark and meow and cluck and growl and make monkey noises. Sometimes we'd even have to read books -- books printed on PAPER -- with our parents or other grown-ups and we'd do the same sorts of things, pointing at pictures and learning their names and sounds. And let me make one thing perfectly clear: when we tweeted, no website was involved. Can you believe it? It's CRAZY!
Thank goodness you've created this marvelous toy so that little kids can learn about animals without any of that pesky human interaction. Until they're ready to learn from a screen like regular kids, this is certainly the next best thing. And goodness knows parents have better things to do than play, talk, and teach their kids.
Thank you for continuing to make the world a safer, richer, and more meaningfully plastic place for families.
Sincerely,
Me
Friday, October 14, 2011
Dear Guy Who Upended His Bike in Front of Me,
First off, let me say that I was very sorry to see you go tipping over your handlebars directly in front of me. I was glad to see you get up, largely unharmed and healthy enough to yell and swear at the driver who passed around the corner in front of you and thereby causing you to brake and fall.
But here's the other side of things: you really don't have much right to be mad at the driver.
You see, you were angry because he cut you off by turning in your path. That wouldn't really have happened if you were cycling on the right-hand side of the road. If you had been, his left-hand turn wouldn't have affected you at all.
Did you notice, by the way, that I said "cycling" and not "bike riding"? That's because I think that after you're twelve or so, you're no longer a bike rider, but a cyclist. You know, like a vehicle. And come on, you were about forty. Riding on the sidewalk is really no longer appropriate, is it? And riding on the left-hand sidewalk is extra wrong, I suppose, especially if you cross at the pedestrian crossing without stopping for the little hand.
That's right. In addition to riding on the sidewalk and on the left-hand side, in your anger you neglected to acknowledge that the driver had an advanced left-turn light, giving him the right of way. Even if you'd been a sidewalk-walking pedestrian, you would have to wait for the full green to allow you crossing rights.
So, to recap, here's you: riding your bike on a sidewalk, crossing against the light across the left-hand side of the road. Here's the other guy: making a legal left-hand turn in his car. Back to you: standing in the middle of the intersection yelling and screaming profanity. Back to him: driving down the road half a block away. One more time to you: looking like an idiot.
Sincerely,
Me
But here's the other side of things: you really don't have much right to be mad at the driver.
You see, you were angry because he cut you off by turning in your path. That wouldn't really have happened if you were cycling on the right-hand side of the road. If you had been, his left-hand turn wouldn't have affected you at all.
Did you notice, by the way, that I said "cycling" and not "bike riding"? That's because I think that after you're twelve or so, you're no longer a bike rider, but a cyclist. You know, like a vehicle. And come on, you were about forty. Riding on the sidewalk is really no longer appropriate, is it? And riding on the left-hand sidewalk is extra wrong, I suppose, especially if you cross at the pedestrian crossing without stopping for the little hand.
That's right. In addition to riding on the sidewalk and on the left-hand side, in your anger you neglected to acknowledge that the driver had an advanced left-turn light, giving him the right of way. Even if you'd been a sidewalk-walking pedestrian, you would have to wait for the full green to allow you crossing rights.
So, to recap, here's you: riding your bike on a sidewalk, crossing against the light across the left-hand side of the road. Here's the other guy: making a legal left-hand turn in his car. Back to you: standing in the middle of the intersection yelling and screaming profanity. Back to him: driving down the road half a block away. One more time to you: looking like an idiot.
Sincerely,
Me
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Dear Staples Cashier,
Much as I enjoyed you asking, "Did you find everything you were looking for?" I even more enjoyed the way you reacted when I said, "Not really." Apparently your training went as far as providing you with the scripted question, but never addressed what do so when someone (rarely) says no.
I truly enjoyed the awkward silence which, coupled with the deer-in-the-headlights expression on your face, was highly entertaining. Perhaps even more entertaining was the fact that after the aforementioned pause, you sort of snapped out of it and went about ringing in my order without ever mentioning it again. Ha! You kids are crazy!
Perhaps you should discuss the challenging matter of what to do if someone doesn't say, "Yes," to that question in the future. It's like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book. There are different outcomes depending on the circumstances.
Sincerely,
Me
I truly enjoyed the awkward silence which, coupled with the deer-in-the-headlights expression on your face, was highly entertaining. Perhaps even more entertaining was the fact that after the aforementioned pause, you sort of snapped out of it and went about ringing in my order without ever mentioning it again. Ha! You kids are crazy!
Perhaps you should discuss the challenging matter of what to do if someone doesn't say, "Yes," to that question in the future. It's like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book. There are different outcomes depending on the circumstances.
Sincerely,
Me
Monday, October 10, 2011
Dear Charlton Heston's Teeth,
Wow! You are indeed a hefty set of chompers!
I know that Chuck had quite a dominant jawbone, but still I am frankly amazed that his face was able to contain you at all. Having just watched you in Planet of the Apes, a film in which you feature prominently thanks to Hessie's penchant for baring his teeth and snarling angrily at ... well ... just about anything, I am convinced that you should have been given credit of your own.
Now it's quite possible that you will now feature in a week's worth of nightmares -- me running from a set of enormous incisors, me being crushed by gigantic molars, Charltie's face looming before me and me unsure whether he's merely smiling or whether I'm about to be eaten -- but I don't entirely blame you. After all, you were just doing your job.
I'm sure that somewhere you lie at rest with Charlton's remains and I can only imagine that some day in the future, children will explore the countryside, point to a rugged rock formation, and say to one another, "See that ridge? That's where they buried Charlton Heston. They say his teeth are the last to go, and that they lie just beneath the surface right over there, yelling at the sky in one last example of over-acting."
Sincerely,
Me
I know that Chuck had quite a dominant jawbone, but still I am frankly amazed that his face was able to contain you at all. Having just watched you in Planet of the Apes, a film in which you feature prominently thanks to Hessie's penchant for baring his teeth and snarling angrily at ... well ... just about anything, I am convinced that you should have been given credit of your own.
Now it's quite possible that you will now feature in a week's worth of nightmares -- me running from a set of enormous incisors, me being crushed by gigantic molars, Charltie's face looming before me and me unsure whether he's merely smiling or whether I'm about to be eaten -- but I don't entirely blame you. After all, you were just doing your job.
I'm sure that somewhere you lie at rest with Charlton's remains and I can only imagine that some day in the future, children will explore the countryside, point to a rugged rock formation, and say to one another, "See that ridge? That's where they buried Charlton Heston. They say his teeth are the last to go, and that they lie just beneath the surface right over there, yelling at the sky in one last example of over-acting."
Sincerely,
Me
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Dear Pretty Much Anyone Who Waves at Me From a Car,
It doesn't really matter who you are or whether I know you; if you honk and/or wave at me from a car as you drive by when I'm walking in the neighbourhood, I'm going to wave back.
It's not that I'm overly friendly -- though I may be that, too -- but rather that I don't know who you are and so I wave to be on the safe side. By the time I'm able to register that a honk or wave has been made, realize that it has anything to do with me, make some sort of visual contact, and figure out who you are (or not), you're already a block away. I'm sure that now and then the honk has nothing to do with me, or it's someone being a goof, but oh well. I'm quite sure that this results in any number of waves at strangers.
So to the sunglassed guy in the sedan, it's either good to see you again (whomever you may be) or nice to meet you.
Sincerely,
Me
It's not that I'm overly friendly -- though I may be that, too -- but rather that I don't know who you are and so I wave to be on the safe side. By the time I'm able to register that a honk or wave has been made, realize that it has anything to do with me, make some sort of visual contact, and figure out who you are (or not), you're already a block away. I'm sure that now and then the honk has nothing to do with me, or it's someone being a goof, but oh well. I'm quite sure that this results in any number of waves at strangers.
So to the sunglassed guy in the sedan, it's either good to see you again (whomever you may be) or nice to meet you.
Sincerely,
Me
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