Dear Dempsters,

I would love for you to make a slight modification to your English muffin package labelling.

Would you please clearly label your packages with either "Cut down the centre" or with "Cut on a listing boat by a monkey with a lazy eye and a drinking problem"? It would make it much easier for me to choose the slicing style I prefer. You see, as it now stands, every bag of English muffins is a crap shoot. It can be quite annoying to open a package, remove a muffin for toasting and then struggle to pry it apart without ripping it to shreds in the process and even then to end up with one huge chunk and a second side which roughly amounts to a bready poker chip.

Clarity would make all the difference.

Of course, alternatively, you could simply cut them all down the centre and fire that monkey.

Sincerely,

Me